ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
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You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it