I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.