i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
welp
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Jurassic park gets weird
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.