Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me