Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
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Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
May have had one breakfast too many
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.