My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
how to market bottled water to dads
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past