Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?