Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
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*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.