[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
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What about a To-Don’t List?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
opening twitter today
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”