If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
More like Kate Missington.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.