A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.