How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
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School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”