*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The old gods are rising again.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…