captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”