The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit