Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*