Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
this country is so goddamn polarized
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
the battle rages on
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”