* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!