it must be school picture day
You Might Also Like
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.