I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
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I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
The Punning Dead.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah