Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didnโt ever know they were catholic
Teacher: ๐๐๐
You Might Also Like
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow itโs cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, youโre right.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where youโre going
batman: *starts screaming*
i shouldnโt be laughing, but i am
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The perfect label doesnโt exi-
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180ยฐ]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’mโฆI’m not sure
who will stop them
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: Youโre gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: Iโm a creep, Iโm a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
pat pat
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…โโ
This morning I woke up with the thought โI wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…โ
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Hey kid.. donโt let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome itโs like being at the zoo but you donโt feel bad the whole time
I wish I were a Jedi.
I donโt want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015