I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
You Might Also Like
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Always
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.