Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.