When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
You Might Also Like
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I ate everything, including the H.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.