Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
…żyje?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah