how to have an accident 101
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I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003