Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.