Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
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I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.