Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Merry Christmas
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.