It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
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If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.