Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
You Might Also Like
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
#CoronaOutbreak
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.