To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
they finally got him. they got macavity
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”