That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?