HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
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Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂