them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV