Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
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No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing