SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED