One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.