Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
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Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.