Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
yall want some gasoline milk
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.