Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
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[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.