*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
this is 10/10 content no notes
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
We all have our pet causes.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.