In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
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WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
When libraries troll their patrons.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
#Caturday
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism