What Bob, you’re interrupting.
You Might Also Like
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
PLEASE READ
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this