My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.