When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I love the honesty
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars