Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
become ungovernable
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters