What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes