My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
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[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
is nasa ok
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.