Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
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OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Banana is the quietest snack
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
lmao
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.