Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.